It’s been a crazy few weeks… I mean when is it not?! So I’ve gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression… I would say anger but we all know that’s not a real emotion… I couldn’t have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he’s rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn’t even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I’d have moments when I’d wish that I’d never met him. Coz the “outta sight outta mind” concept was not working out so well.

So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don’t work for me when I’m sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing… Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude… And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say

“You dunno watchu got til it’s gone…”

A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning… So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all… Because of zero honesty… Dude! I couldn’t even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind.

And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn’t just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one… But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light…. Which is “I can be your friend and your lover… The best you’ve ever had”… That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there…. Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA! Plently DENIAL… the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER…. We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance… Just coz I didn’t wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn’t appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it’s just way to painful. But didn’t I deserve better… And you only get better once you’ve put in the effort… As my mom likes to say… Good things come to those who wait…

I then went through a stage when I was hella sad… Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION… Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude… When these new dudes would kiss me… I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it…. But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don’t make a right so karma is sure to make me pay.

Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I’m still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn’t picturing anybody else. It was where I’ve wanted to be. And here I was… Yay! This also means accepting that I can’t make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration… I have to deal with it…. Either be with it or get over huh… Either way, I’m required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don’t feel as good. It never will. And I’ll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he’s the only one that can fill me up with what I’m really craving. Him.
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What’s meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love… And jus be.

Ain’t it funny/ Baby that you want me/ When you had me/ Love is crazy/ I’m glad I can smile and say…

The past week began as dramatic as ever… I hardly said two words to Cutie all day not out of spite but more detached busy-ness… Well, when P caught a ride of with him that night… She let it “slip” that I had met somebody. To be honest, I expected him to react all….
Nonchalant in front of an audience…
But he was everything but… He wanted details of what Chocolate looks like, if he’s cute etc.

Ya know Cutie was so curious, he didn’t even wait til we had some privacy to ask me who Chocolate is. He pretty much asked in front of P! Seriously? Seriously. I was like acting dumb… Inside I’m on some… well, if you don’t take care of home, somebody else will…

Later on when we were alone, he asked me what’s up. I told him the truth. Met a dude who likes me a lot and quite frankly I could use the distraction. Cutie seemed to get some sort of snug satisfaction from not being entirely forgettable. He also urged me to leave Chocolate coz the timing is off. In hindsight, his advice was quite irritatingly ironic.

Coz here I am…. Contemplating a way out of my quickie relationship. Thing about Chocolate…. He is ghetto… One of them Soweto cats who are loud, obnoxious and seemingly loaded but anything but. To top it all off…. He is the complete opposite of articulate…. The past few days with him have made me realise that as much as I’m a sucker for some sun-kissed skin… I’m also into charm and fluency and a gorgeous natural smile… I’m not a fan of gold… Much less a nigga who’s first language isn’t English. I have no problem with a dude that speaks vernacular well but let that not come at the expense of the Queen’s Language… Please.

I figured with some liquid courage and professional make-up, I could do like the alchies and

fake it til (I) make it

I put my hurt on the back burner and for the first hour I danced as though my life depended on it… Fortunately I got to a point where I didn’t have to pretend anymore coz the DJ started playing some decent music. And then when it was time to leave.. I was keen to stay but P was keen to bounce so we did but if I could, I would have delayed the whole thing. Coz I was not keen to got to the neighbouring club and deal with ego-trippin’ shlebs…

We swindle our way into the VIP coz we hadn’t really planned on being there. And all the people I’d rather not see were in there. Naturally. Thank goodness for the open bar. Now that made me smile. I was also keen to head to the main section of the venue with the regular folk so that my interrupted freestyle choreography could resume… coz I was sure that I was not about to meet a new dude… I might score a make-out session but really meet a good man… hadn’t even occurred to me, not in my frame of mind. In fact when I bumped into Shorty… I started to think okay cool.. .I ain’t gotta deal with a new nigga, just deal with the one that fkd up before. No expectations there.

But lo and behold- his friend started hollering at me. And I’m looking at this dude like…excuse me homie but do I know you? But this nigga did not let up. And I ended up spending the next three to four hours with him. Talking n stuff… Yeah that other stuff too. But the crazy bit is that he kept saying he knows who I am but I had no freakin clue. In fact, everybody knew who the hell he was but me! I must have gotten like five thousand different description of what he does… the most accurate being that he is a SOCIALITE!? lol! ait so before I know it… I’m feelin’ this dude… and I even start to think that maybe gettin’ to know him wouldn’t be sucha bad idea… but then I started thinkin’ wtf.. I just parted ways with the guy who was supposedly the man of my dreams… moving on so quickly? is that right? shouldn’t I get used to being alone first so that I don’t go into this with madd issues?

anyway..excuse me for getting ahead of myself… but this nigga was already asking me out on this very night! Twas hard not to get carried away… He was like we should be together and date and stuff coz he wants to be my man! Woah! Nigga! slow yo roll! I don’t even know who you are… but I’ll admit I’m keen to find out… coz he was able to do the impossible… get me out of a ditch! I had fun..lots of it… and Cutie wasn’t even a factor.. how’s that for interesting?

Question is..is this for real? or some sort of crazy punk’d scene? it seems way to easy and I know that heartbreak is never this easy… so now what…
well, let’s give this dude a pseudonym for starters.. how about ‘Perkie’? Coz he managed to perk me up..plus he’s perked up…if you catch my drift….

Actually… let’s call him ‘Chocolate’ coz he has this awesome, glowing brown skin that I’m a complete sucker for.. plus I’m feeling some heartburn… it makes me forget his gold cap for a second. Yeah, I forgot to mention that…and hopefully he’ll get rid of it… jus in case things get serious.. so there you go… I’ve met somebody..;lready.. and I’m tryin not to like him but there’s huge potential (for the biggest distraction [n more])coz he’s dope. But before we get ahead of ourselves..let’s see what the new week brings… after a our text chat last night… during which I passed out.. mm… I know..not very nice of me…

Also had to deal with Shorty hollerin’ at me when he could see that Chocolate was tryna holla! How wack! And I had no clue how to deal with it coz Shorty n I have a past and I can’t be rude to him coz I just met a random dude. Twas super wierd and conflicting so even though I could see that Shorty was jus tryna cock-block his buddy out of sheer pretence not interest (he even called the following night to check if I got home all right- dodgy mothatrucka that one and I told him as much! And of cos he pleaded ignorance! Nigga please! Nobody lookin for a KanYe interuption here!), I didn’t know how to deal with it coz I had no clue how to include Chocolate in the conversation which was totally irrelevant to him. At least I figured as much coz I dunno what this nigga does!

So the following day, I had to call n apologise coz truth is, as he kindly pointed out, if the roles had been reversed ie he had been ignoring me in front of his ex-flame.. I woulda flipped. He forgave me and later on, last night…he texted me and told me how much he missed me… I had passed out on the couch so I had to apologise for the delay and let him know that he had been on my mind for much of the day… coz of Jill Scott’s sweet words… four minutes later, he asked which song (Not That Crazy).. by that time… I had passed out.. After church…I tried to explain to a nigga that I failed to reply timeously coz of my chronic exhaustion… he has yet to reply. I think we may be facing a subtle pay-back…

Regardless…I’ve decided to now extended this blog to the whole year… in fact let’s break down the countdowns to mini-countdowns that include what’s happening in my life. If Choc n I really do happen to make it work ie get over my excessive apologies… I am gonna go about this properly. I will follow Steve Harvey’s rules, including the 90 DAY rule. And I will leave if I start hearing some dodgy things. This time, there is no room for funny behaviour coz I am wide awake from the get go.

If nigga doesn’t holla back by the end of the day.. I will take that as a big fat hint! And we won’t need the 90 day clock anymore. Plus that will probably kill the plans we made for Friday.. yeah..yesterday already, Nigga was on some, watchu doing on Friday… very cute….I was like I dunno..it’s SATURDAY so he insisted that we stay in touch despite my ‘working 24 hours a day’..that’s what he calls it… it may as well be exactly that!

Can I just settle down already? Please? I’m tired of playing love games. I’m ready to just love and chill out a sec. Safe in the arms of love. I know this is cheesy as fuck but it’s true.

Maybe that’s too much pressure for Cutie. I dunno then why the fuck did we meet and connect? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why can’t we stay away from each other? Why?

Why is it that he is able to send me an emails saying that I’m always on his mind? That he misses me. How come he told me he loves me? That he loves to be around me? That when I cried about us, he cried too? Why is it that- if he’s only gonna turn around and break my heart even when I’m willing to wait!? I don’t understand! How can I hate him when I love him? One half of him at least. The half that understands but is clearly not willing to fight the other dude’s bullshit.

This breaks my heart over and over coz I know he feels what I feel but he almost reminds me of when I had just started therapy and a recurring theme was my subconscious belief that I deserved no happiness. That I had to carry the worries of my parents, especially my mom. Cutie does that with his family and I’m no professional psychologist so I have no clue how to get through to him.

Plus how am I to know that that is truly the issue here? That he needs me to help him through it… Does he even want my help or am I jus being a pushy know-it-all. Dunno. I jus wanna run away at this point and forget that he ever existed or mattered.

Just this Friday, I found out that Cutie was busy exchanging “I miss you’s” with some chic during the first month of our thing. He would also hang with her and such. I asked him about it and he said that they’re just friends, been friends since high school and even though she been feelin’ him, he told her, he ain’t keen to go down that road with her coz of his long list of never-ending issues….

You see, there are a few things that I don’t get about this nigga and because I have trouble saying what I need to say face to face ie all of these epiphanies hit me whenever he’s not around, I’ve decided to try figure it out here. I’ma compare his two egos. Coz I almost feel that he may have some MPD situation going on.

As much as my pride hates to admit, there’s a part of Cutie that lights me up from the inside out. It’s ten times more lethal than the lust he makes me feel. It’s the way a best friend makes you feel. That complete and utter happiness. I love to see him smile. I love making him laugh. So this side of him makes me wanna be around him all day. And we don’t even have to talk. We can jus be. Watch the sky. Hold hands. Make out. Watch a movie. I remember when we first met, there was this insane electrical energy between us and when we held hands, when we kissed- sparks flew. In extreme circumstances, our eyes would meet and I would feel it too.

In the past three months that I’ve known him, another side has come out. A side that almost tries to kill his/our pursuit of happiness. It’s the side that pushes me away. The side that tells me it doesn’t wanna be with me. It’s the side that’s quite content to walk away.

So I do what any Miss Independent would do… I pack and I prepare to leave and everytime I’m near the door, the good side reaches out to me and begs me to stay in not so many words but actions. Maybe I see what I wanna see, I dunno but I’ll try keep some distance between us and he’ll come find me for some random conversations about life.

Now when you care about somebody, it goes against every fibre of your being to tell them to ‘fuck off’. The last thing you wanna do is tell them to take a hike coz the reality is that you want them near. So instead of listening to logic, I’d allow him in again and when it was time to discuss us, he would push me away and gimme all these reasons why we shouldn’t be together. Meanwhile I have a blogful of reasons why we must try. But he wouldn’t hear it. His evil side always vetoed his inner conflicts despite my tears. Despite my pleading, my reasoning, my sex… Lol. It was all in vain and jus when I thought I can’t keep doing this, I found out that he felt that I should wait for him to get his mind right.

Before, that had never even been featured as an option. Until he said that if the tables were turned, he would be honoured to wait for me. Who would fuck off after that?! I couldn’t. I hadn’t even been able to begin to follow through so I took a plunge in the deep end, drew some inspiration from Sade’s words as she sang…
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride…

This went against my control freak mentality. It’s like walking in the dark with all these legitimate but insane questions dizzying my head… Like what if I wait for him and he in the mean time meets somebody else? I’ve heard of many stories where the chic makes the nigga a better person but he goes and shares his new self with his new chic… How’s that for a thank you very much?

I realise that life has no guarantees. I try to live day to day. I try to share that philosophy with him but he can’t stop living in the past and even the future. So the present is fucked. And unfortunately that’s where I am so we can’t manage to see eye-to-eye.

There’s a part of me… The logical, prudent side I guess… That is certain that I must just cut my losses and hit the road. This side reckons I’m being used and I should stop thinking about his feelings and consider the damage I’m causing to myself instead by constantly giving him a chance to reject me and hurt me over and over again.

Not even friends do that. And you’re willing to wait?! Seriously! Girl wake the fuck up!

I can explain. A fairytale beginning can’t possibly have sucha shitty ending. can it?!

Let my guard down. Took off my gloves and got dirty with it. So much so that the mere thought of what has been, of what night have been leaves me heaving for air. Tearful and broken.

No woman, no cry/ Everything’s gonna be all right… I know I’ll be ait. But I’m still reeling from being forced to walk away from what could’ve been, what must’ve been… love… If I could, I’d just let go. Make it as simple as dropping a book or whatever. Be dismissive as though I’m angry. But my heart still yearns for him so I’m still dealing with that.

As he suggested friendship, it felt as though, he was attempting to cushion the breaking of my heart. But it was too late. It was already shattered into countless bits. And the tears made them slippery to the touch. So he couldn’t possibly pick em up and fix it. The dampness first has to dry. The pain first has to cease. And the fragility mend.

So I put the pieces of my heart into a box and went shopping instead. Even watched Next Day Air. Bullshit African-American cinema. My brain was numb. My legs felt like pieces of lead with the menstrual pains shooting through them and my tummy. And as much as I wanted to let loose, forget and enjoy myself, I kept thinking of him, I kept tearing up. In public!? Horror of horrors! So I shifted things into high-gear! I decided that I’m gonna get a tattoo. And I woulda gotten it if the salesperson had been a little bit more encouraging and his designer was around. By then I was pumped! I was itching to move on! And I was really and truly excited about something! Much better than being low and depressed.

And that’s when things picked up. A very cute guy from some skater shop caught my attention. He was very adorable but either slow or heavily affected by the KP effect. And if he ever makes it on to these pages again then we’ll call him Whitie coz he of where he works and the white dudes he appears to hang with. And yes, he’s in keeping with the light-skinned dude theme. Can you believe it?! Will we ever go back to chocolate?!

I was tempted to give him my digits but I figured that he has a girlfriend or a somebody that he is busy getting over. Woah! Talk about jilted! Safer to expect the worse and never have to try. Wow… Thanx Cutie for that messed up way of thinking. He also told me that his gut says that we shouldn’t be together. That felt really good, might I add. How he had all these reasons why we mustn’t do this but he hadn’t thought it beneficial to think about why it might work. For that… Just that… Fuck that nigga! Especially after claiming to love me but being ready to just let us go! Fuck him! Wish I could forget the past two months. Wish I could be driven to drugs and booze. Just so I can lapse into some amnesia!

Experience has taught me that the fastest way out of the HeartBreak Hotel is via somebody else. Although it’s probably your fastest way back there! Coz feelings don’t just die because somebody doesn’t want you back. They either lessen over a period of time or they get transferred onto the next person. Now, do we really want that?

So next weekend, I’ll return to the skater store and if Whitie is there… I’ma take it as a sign and I’ll give him my digits. Now, to just get through the week and seeing Cutie. You see why I wanna go on holiday.

The last month has been insane and for the most part, I ain’t where I wanna be. Sure, I’m being challenged on the daily by this new gig and I’m all about being challenged to the max. But I’ve never ever ever been this stressed out. I guess it’s only fitting that LIVE TV is the third most stressful job in the world. Sure, I got to meet DJ DRAMA but really now…Does that make it worth it..?!
I asked to be challenged, not to go out the same way as Michael Jackson (with a dam heart attack). I mean I’m currently in a space that saw me be unable to blog for over a month because things are that hectic and crazy and insane and BUSY! And all I really wanna do is put on some Marvin Gaye and

get it on

! I would be so lucky. Cutie is still trippin’. So I’m working on moving on coz really he’s awesome and everything but I am way too fwine to be dealing with another pseudo-relationship. Apparently I’m supposed to give him time.. I’m like what time, time to hurt me some more… reject me some more… how much punishment can a girl take. If there’s one thing that I have learnt during the last 180 days is that you shouldn’t ever waste your time with a nigga that won’t be there. If he’s trippin, do yourself a favour and be out! I realise that it’s not that simple but I also know that waiting on him to change is stoopid especially when he has told you wassup. Let it go and let him stay with his undecided self.

Naturally, I’m having some trouble practicing what I preach. I can’t seem to stay away from him. (And it probably doesn’t help that we work together.) To the point where I’m on some maybe I should just hang out with him, he’ll come around. Or maybe, we can just be friends?! Or maybe, he just ain’t that into me and my punkass just needs to make peace with that! Aaaargh! The frustration! And what if I do walk away and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?! Like that chick from The Bachelorette, Deanna! This nigga that she was really fallin’ for exasperated her to such a degree that she ended up telling him to go jump even though she dug him so! He wrote her a letter declaring his feelings but it was too late. But was it?! Should she have been a lil more enduring? DAMN Niggas who push a woman to that point!
Like
Shorty. He tried to holla at me, the other day. I was like nigga please, you done fucked up, a minute ago. It’s too late! It’s so late that I’m even considering cutting ties with new dude! Now here’s Cutie following the exact same script. Like him and Shorty bin sharing notes! It’s simple really, I’m done! The next nigga I meet, best have his story sorted. I ain’t about to deal with your issues and I don’t wanna hear it. You wanna be with me? Cool. You don’t? Get the fuck out!

I’ma be hardcore now coz I’ve realised that my being open has also made me a lil naive. Fairy-tales only exist in books. I ain’t the exception.

As far as my radio career is concerned, I haven’t been offered anything by the station from a DJ point of view. When I found out on Thursday, I felt my world crash around me. That sucked. I was really hoping that I would be given the opportunity to take on the training slots but alas, I’ve been asked to submit a demo instead. Didn’t know how to react to that. That hurt. But I’ll do as required.

Then there’s TV… dunno hey…I’m in two worlds…and boy do I need a holiday!

I’ve always thought it to be such a cop-out when artists can’t just name their products. I’ve always found the use of the term ‘untitled‘ to be the unnecessary pretence of so called ‘depth’ within the arts. And here I am, using the very same word. how hypocritical. Truth is, it’s been a minute since I last blogged so I finding it difficult to reduce the past fortnight into a silly phrase especially since the 180 Days are drawing to an end. So In spite of my being conscious that I may be thinking emotionally because of my PMS, I now see how artists may feel that a title, in its simple words, fails to honor the experience, whether good or bad. If anything, the words disrespect it by being so shallow. And that’s where the depth of thought lies. Well, if writers felt so strongly about everything, they would probably never write. Hence writer’s block. The insistence on the perfect translation. And that’s why film was created…

That just dawned on me now… Speaking of which… Let’s recap… With the radio internship winding down, I’m happy to say I’m creating the best radio of my life. My links are short and punchy and fun and cool… although I gots to work on my um’s and er’s and slickness… but for the most part, I really believe that I’m sounding better than ever. I even received my first batch of hate mail, thanx to the internet humour surrounding MJ’s passing. Now you know what they say, you ain’t ish until you’ve got haters. I’ve finally relaxed enough to allow the real me to come out through my radio links. And for me that’s the biggest accomplishment. I’m hopin that they gimme a proper on-air gig once the internship is over. I’m do my darnest to make it happen. If only there were enough hours in the day because since my new job, my radio endeavours have taken a beating… which makes me wonder… what is it that I really want? Could I possibly be biting of my nose to spite my face? Should I be concentrating on my radio gig especially as the gig draws to an end or concentrate on my new gig because of the latter?

As far as my new job is concerned… I just started at a TV production company on this brand new show. Unlike my previous TV gig… I work on content full-time now. I would prefer to be writing scripts and have far more control over content but they say that will come. Quite a bit goes into a TV show and I’m learning quite a bit. Very exciting to be part of something that has so much potential.

As far as Cutie is concerned… It’s plenty deja-vu. Dating without the intimacy and titles. Like where do I meet these ‘different’ niggas that are commitment-phobic with trunks of baggage? Seriously? Is this God’s way of telling me to stay away from the opposite sex. or is the Script-Writer outta ideas? I mean like attracts like… If these niggas be on that tip then clearly I ain’t ready for a relationship either but then why am I so convinced of the opposite. How come I feel that I can be with one dude.. and make it work?! And yet I keep hitting a brick-wall by connecting with niggas that make me want to fall in love and be with them when they aren’t so keen to do the same… What the hell is going on?

What I do know for sure is that beyond these niggas hold the key to my personal-development… I think… well, I hope… there’s gots to be some sorta convoluted reason for all this drama… In which ever capacity. I wouldn’t be able to deal with Cutie if I hadn’t dealt with Shorty. But maybe I would prefer to not have had to deal with either dude… as much as I love zinging with new dude… I can’t stand ll the drama! Can’t I just meet a normal dude that digs me back and wants me without any hesitations or a haunting past!? Cumon already!

As far as my career is concerned… I just started at a TV production company on this brand new show. Unlike my previous TV gig… I work on content full-time now. I would prefer to be writing scripts and have far more control over content but they say that will come. Quite a bit goes into a TV show and I’m learning quite a bit. Very exciting to be part of something that has so much potential. And boy are we working hard to unleash it…

what else… I got as ride but I can’t drive it coz I don’t have a driver’s license… lol…come to think of it… it’s very much like dating somebody that you can’t kiss and you can’t call your boyfriend. Imagine all the pent up frustration! Dammit! I ain’t about to return my car, instead, I’ma work at getting the right papers… is that how one should deal with Cutie? Get me some papers? the cred? the qualification? Earn the respect perhaps? Show my commitment? mm…

I’ve spoken about those life-(altering)wedgies that come and take you by surprise just when you are beginning to love life. Or at least get into a rhythm.You know those times when everything is going right. You ain’t fighting with nobody. Drama is down to a minimum. You’ve made peace with the stuff that you can’t change. You’re making major strides in the departments that you can control and on top of it all, you’ve met a new dude who makes the old dude look like a chump. A chump that didn’t deserve your time in the first place. Your favourite song(s) keeps playing (The Dream-Rockin that Thang and Every Girl- Young Money and Drake-Best I Ever Had) and your crush digs you too so much that you can hardly believe your luck. But you don’t believe in luck so you can hardly believe your destiny. Complete with an atom-bomb of good vibes, lust and like infused electricity! I call it ZING, he calls it chemistry! OMG… the chemical infusion happening within can’t be good for you but it feels sooooo gooood!

And then all of a blue moon, the Script-Writer sends out a DEFCOM 5 [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Defcon]! ‘

AY! Don’t get too comfortable’

, He warns. It ain’t ever that easy. It can’t be, at least not for five days straight. And I know that. Well, I should. Perhaps, I was hoping for some sort of pleasant surprise. In fact, at the height of my euphoria, during the weekend, one of my tweets tentatively spoke of how…

I am a lil afraid to admit that I’m kinda sorta loving my life.

Dude! as soon as that tweet had been published, it all fell down. And yesterday, it all be came a lil too real that my life was still far from being the fairytale that I had been living for all but 24 hours. It was everything but. It was just another tear-jerking episode of a cheesy soapie. Or worse still, a reality show. Can’t remember the last time I cried this hard. Heavy, soul-shaking, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs that grip at your core. You almost feel as though you could not only bawl forever but that if you weep hard enough, you’ll cry out the very cancer that is making you feel so miserable. Almost hurl it up. More like sneeze it out! Not pretty I know. But I feel like this heartache is a thick chunk of black coal sitting at the bottom of my tummy. Pervading my insides.

Life perfect ain’t perfect if you dunno what the struggle’s for
Fallin’ down ain’t fallin’ down if you don’t cry when you hit the floor
It’s called the past coz I’m getting past
And I ain’t nothing like I was before…
You oughta see me now…
Yes, I was burnt so I call it a lesson learned
Mistake will return so I call it a lesoon learned
my soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned…

I guess the pressure had to get to me some time and these past couple of days proved to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. From my less-than-impressive radio shows that I’ve been feeling less than awesome about. There’s also my new nine to five which is probably at the single most dynamic production company in the country. Started there last week as a part of the content production team. So amped to be getting paid to be a creative. I get paid to write scripts and come up with ideas. Dude! How dope is that! I also work on scripts. Even though it is an opportunity and a half, I am having trouble working out a feasible timetable that will allow me ample sleep and balance. Man I need a ride!

Speaking of balance, Shorty been ‘too busy’ for me just when I needed some sort of escape the most, he suggested that we take it slow. If I didn’t know better, I would say that he was calling things off without having to say as much. Well, actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times I tried to reach out and have him admit to wanting to end things, he won’t talk about it or be man enough to say it’s over. But I don’t need him to confirm nothing coz one big fat indication is that we don’t really see each other anymore. What’s worse, I’m subjected to the occasional text. I deserve better. Luckily, I’ve had soooo much work to do, from the new gig to some freelancing work, that I couldn’t quite deal with his stunts. But when I raised these concerns, I was met with a dismissive nonchalance. So I’ve done my bit really.

And just when I was tryna wrap my head around my drama, I met somebody. Like a week ago. Think Prince Charming in shining armour, (complete with the most delightful smile and the cutest ass. HOT DAMMM!) coming to remind me that life ain’t all that excruciating. I’d actually forgotten what real butterflies feel like. And goodness knows that I had missed being really excited about somebody real. Besides Drake who, by the way, I’d totally marry. The mixtape So Far Gone got me through some heavy days. It polished my thick skin and reminded me that it’s ok to hurt. Its ok to be disappointed. But that don’t mean you should compromise on who you are. Fuck whoever that disagrees with you! Lol! But I digress…

We’ll call new dude, Cutie, coz he is hella adorable. And from the moment we laid eyes on each other, I knew that I wanted to get to know him. If anything, it made me think or start to ponder upon the concept of love at first sight. Honestly it had never occurred to me that the notion was even a remote possibility yet there I was, completely engrossed in a stranger even before he had said two words to me. It makes for a dope blog and an even doper wedding story. Lol! You see how this situation had me talking crazy…

Well, those were the ol good days. That’s the thing about falling quickly. You make the hurt that much more potent within a shorter period of time. But before we get to the bad part, Cutie and I went on our first and only date on Friday. Twas awesome. I completely immersed myself in this ‘Something New‘. I forgot Shorty, I forgot the world and I was allowed to be myself for the first time in a long time. And that’s the most profound piece of this puzzle. I realise that I was beginning to lose myself by being in a dead-end relationship. Whether I was not really in it to begin with makes no difference because it took up my time, attention and energy, it had an effect whether I was aware of it or not. It was toxic and as much as I wanna deny it, it was killing my spirit and making me feel ashamed that I’m not in the sort of relationship that I would like for myself. I was not allowed to be me.

Dude I almost fell off my chair when Cutie hollered at me to say goodnight on Sunday. Shorty has never bothered to do that. It was such a foreign concept to me that I was completely shell-shocked and that’s when it really dawned on me that I allowed myself to be treated like less for a while now.

During my brief time with Cutie, I remembered that I like to hold hands and make out and share and spend time with my significant other. With Shorty, I’ve had to curb my enthusiasm under the disguise of patience education coz he ain’t a fan of PDA. Dude, it got to a point where the relationship was centred around him. And I didn’t even realise but I hardly told him of my dreams and ambitions and worse, he never asked. Yeah, I learned to be patient but I also learned how to allow a nigga to run circles around me 101. Too whack. So I’m out. Can’t believe I stood for it.

Well, as soon as Cutie had taught me that lesson, he also headed for the nearest exit. By last night, I was near tears as he told me how he didn’t feel that he could be emotionally available for me coz he has to deal with his own crazy drama which includes getting over a two year relationship, his fear of being hurt again and the self-healing that he thinks he needs to embark on alone. I couldn’t believe my ears. Like don’t you feel what I’m feeling. How do you walk away when this is so so so special. And yet, he felt that was what’s best. So I let him coz I can’t force him. I don’t know who to resent for feeling this way. The Script-Writer for making the feelings so strong? Or Cutie for not feeling that he can go the mile with me?

And as Drake asks… Is anything I’m doing Brand New? I wonder if my reaction to the Cutie situation was a lil OTT? Probably. and if so, why was I affected so? Why did I feel it? What’s the lesson? I haven’t felt like this and had to just shake it off. It’s always been a faggot nigga that caused the drama and I always knew better than to pine for him but this is different. Or is it? I dunno anymore.

I guess it is time to try be alone. I think I been avoiding that status for a minute. Nobody wants to be lonely and single especially in the grip of a terrible winter but I know better than to waste my time on whackness just so that I can say that I’m dating somebody. Time to re-focus and re-arm and remember that this is about me. Couplin’ would be cool but we will survive. Lol!

I’ve also been reading soon excerpts from Steve Harvey‘s Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man. I’ve been compromising on my standards. It’s so embarrassing to realise that I ain’t been acting like the keeper that I be. It’s fine. You live, you learn. So let the practicals begin…

And let’s try get some stuff right this time…

I enjoy meeting new people especially those from other continents. I find that it brings the other side of the world to life. And goodness knows that besides living by the beach and becoming a rock star DJ/Writer, I wanna see the world…So bad… real bad Michael Jackson!

During this session, something quite profound occurred to me. Whether I think Jozi or any other Akon wannabe is making authentic (South) African music is irrelevant. What rings true is that Jozi is an SA clique and therefore whatever music that they make lies beneath the SA music banner, regardless of my distaste for their obvious steez-bitin’.

SA music is not defined by drums or whatever. SA music does not have to be deep intense, sad and introspective in order to be that. We can also snap our fingers and do the step… we can do it all by ourselves… lol

Plenty came into focus during the chill session with the Columbia College students. Five words. The blind leading the blind. My lack of self-identity and self-love stems from being an emotionally scarred African. The irony being that the very African-Americans that I wanna be like are anything but self-assured and self-aware as I make them out to be. So maybe the lesson is that I should look for me within me, not externally.

I’ve always thought that the same thought process exists with regards to the concept of The One. He or she lies within. And He or She is the Script-Writer. Coz everything comes back to Him.

But the question is… WHO AM I? WHO ARE WE?
We are often told to look to our past to figure who you be but really I refuse to define myself as the product of exploitation, abuse and apartheid. The black sheep of the family that nobody wanted.

So we gots to flip it right…
and embrace the positive side of the above. Yes, that crappy stuff happened but that can’t be the only story I tell (Learnt that from this week’s Grey’s). That can’t be the crux.
I am the strength and faith and resolve that managed to overcome the hardships of hectic oppression.
I am the epitome of all that overcomes and all that rises above.
I just need to connect with that wisdom, dig into it and soar!

Yho i should be a poet…

That’s enough for today kids…
Tune in next time for another exciting episode of KP Angelou…
I leave you with a few words from one of the greatest lyricists alive/to ever live…

Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther could walk
Martin Luther walked so Barack Obama could run
Barack Obama ran so all the children could fly
So I’ma spread my wings
YOU CAN MEET ME IN THE SKY!
-Jay-Z

*how apt is this considering that we are smack in the middle of YOUTH MONTH! Quite befitting.

**Sorry I went on forever again. I can’t even touch on my show which happened today. I’ll start a new blog entry for that. I’ll keep it short…promise.. well, I’ll try. No harm done I suppose. I guess I was just really moved which is always something to write home about… and boy did I…