Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’
{ 15 November, 2009 @ 11:20 }
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{ Love }
{ Tags: acceptance, anxiety, bargaining, denial, depression, destiny, embarrassments, humiliation, hurt, janet jackson, sad, truth } · { }
***I don’t even know which day we on anymore but I have finally blogged… will try again tomorrow… I think if I keep it shorter… I’ll get more out… coz there’ll be no pressure to be comprehensive… hopefully it makes sense….***
It’s been a crazy few weeks… I mean when is it not?! So I’ve gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression… I would say anger but we all know that’s not a real emotion… I couldn’t have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he’s rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn’t even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I’d have moments when I’d wish that I’d never met him. Coz the “outta sight outta mind” concept was not working out so well.
So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don’t work for me when I’m sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing… Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude… And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say
“You dunno watchu got til it’s gone…”
… continue reading this entry.
{ 2 June, 2009 @ 11:27 }
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{ Work }
{ Tags: ambition, anxiety, drowsy, Eminem, entertainment, exhaustion, fear, freak out, frustration, JBS, nervous, pressure, script-writer, shine, Work } · { }
**This is actually my blog from an internal site but I found it to be so spot on and a lil too honest that I just had to share it with you guys….
I’ve been meaning to blog about my on-air escapades for a minute… so lemme break it down a lil… It’s been a week since my second attempt at GroundZero. For all intensive purposes, I killed it compared to my premiere show five days before that.
I figure that I let the hype get to me during the first show. In between the “oh my goshes” and “oh my goodneses”, I pretty much failed to be the cool big sis that listeners would like to have. I was like a groupie. Dude!
Lesson learnt: Dude! just be you!
As Em would say … … continue reading this entry.
{ 30 May, 2009 @ 23:02 }
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{ Love, Work }
{ Tags: anxiety, arguing, break-up, frustration, heartburn, job, men, relationships, Work } · { }
In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, ‘Hotdam I’m rock long time…’ and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate…
It’s taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn’t even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There’s really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here’s the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I’m way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain’t wanted.] I’m just sick of it. It’s like the bad is superceding the good. It’s so bad, I’m thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro’s n Con’s or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it’s an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes. … continue reading this entry.
{ 20 May, 2009 @ 14:44 }
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{ Life, Work }
{ Tags: ah ha moment, ambition, anxiety, butterflies, Faith, freak out, heartburn, job, nervous, nookie, pressure, radio, relationships } · { }
A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You’ll walk away and be on some… That’s it?! Really now? Really?! No… Seriously!
Today was a day of firsts… Let’s start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn’t say ‘difficulty’. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It’s a mere obstacle… A lil hill…) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent… It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav… Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It’s not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I’m way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show… Now I’m feeling like even though I get the above, I’ve gone from selfish to self-pity… Well, either way, there’s no room for egoism! Just Do It!
… continue reading this entry.
{ 16 May, 2009 @ 22:41 }
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{ Love }
{ Tags: anxiety, magic moment, men, relationships, relief, third arm } · { }
And then the magic moment happened…
Well, maybe it was not so much a magic moment coz I don’t think my life changed in that instance but the way I looked at a certain person, changed forever that very night. And for the first time, I admitted it to myself and him. Twas quite profound. Like looking in the mirror. But really looking… Not a passing glance…
On the way home on the Wednesday evening, my car-pool dude had his weekly night lecture. I was keen to get home after an exhausting day which saw Shorty and me ignoring each other. Literally. Dude, twas so crazy that he even ducked into the toilet when he saw me. I followed suite and jumped up from where I was sitting. My heart in my throat as I tried to shake it off! Funny thing, I had just found out when we, the interns, would be going on air so I was hella excited but I couldn’t even share that with him. Twas just wack. … continue reading this entry.
{ 16 May, 2009 @ 22:21 }
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{ Work }
{ Tags: anxiety, DBF, Focus, frustration, heartburn, magic moment, relationships, stoopid } · { }
Since Monday, I been spending every second day just catching up on sleep because every other day is spent awake for at least 24 hours. It’s the most insane but exhilarating experience. Finally, our time to be on air has come. As luck would have it… but…er… I don’t believe in luck so as it was written…I’m the second last to go on air, on Wednesday 20 May, as per the 4AM-5AM schedule. To date I have read news twice (once on the first day, Tues 12 May and another on Thurs 14 May because the dude that was supposed to was otherwise occupied. Score for me really so I didn’t mind absconding on my content production role for the few minutes that a coupla news bulletins take up. Besides, I gots to practice and get used to speaking out loud on the new mics).
My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.
So what’s my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That’s when the heartburn hits my chest! 
But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I’ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest’s slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I’m legend! … continue reading this entry.
{ 4 April, 2009 @ 19:27 }
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{ Work }
{ Tags: anxiety, frustration, men, relationships, writer's block } · { }
so catch up on https://kpspears.blogspot.com
here’s Day 59: Sinful…
Today I auditioned for the newsreader position. And even went to the music committee meeting… Aah something to do… So I was glad to be a little constructive. It beats fighting the urge to pull my hair out. It beats dealing with the funny looks. It beats engaging in long-winded, unproductive skinner sessions.
I’m done with that. So much so that it feels as though my brain is turning to mush.
I haven’t written an article in so long. And when I do try, I only get as far as trying to apply all the stuff that I’ve been taught. Instead of applying the instincts of a God-given talent, I’m using my brain. A mind that’s been, for the most part, jaded. I’m no longer the writer I was…. Um… Of cos I am but I’m having trouble balancing what comes easiest to me and the awesome lessons I’ve learnt. Price of immaturity or maybe ‘WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION!’… Maybe somebody else’s lessons are merely that… SOMEBODY ELSE’S… I mean who taught that person and the person before… Sorry I’m sounding like those philosophical stoner rebels without a cause… Not the intention… Just saying though…. … continue reading this entry.
365 Days... and even Beyond... 