It’s been a crazy few weeks… I mean when is it not?! So I’ve gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression… I would say anger but we all know that’s not a real emotion… I couldn’t have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he’s rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn’t even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I’d have moments when I’d wish that I’d never met him. Coz the “outta sight outta mind” concept was not working out so well.
So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don’t work for me when I’m sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing… Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude… And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say
“You dunno watchu got til it’s gone…”
A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning… So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all… Because of zero honesty… Dude! I couldn’t even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind. 
And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn’t just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one… But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light…. Which is “I can be your friend and your lover… The best you’ve ever had”… That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there…. Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA! 
Plently DENIAL… the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER…. We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance… Just coz I didn’t wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn’t appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it’s just way to painful. But didn’t I deserve better… And you only get better once you’ve put in the effort… As my mom likes to say… Good things come to those who wait…
I then went through a stage when I was hella sad… Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION… Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude… When these new dudes would kiss me… I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it…. But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don’t make a right so karma is sure to make me pay.
Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I’m still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn’t picturing anybody else. It was where I’ve wanted to be. And here I was… Yay! This also means accepting that I can’t make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration… I have to deal with it…. Either be with it or get over huh… Either way, I’m required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don’t feel as good. It never will. And I’ll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he’s the only one that can fill me up with what I’m really craving. Him. 
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What’s meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love… And jus be.
365 Days... and even Beyond... 
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